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x_repossessed_x

Nothing is impossible so I will try my best not to give up.

Something somewhere out there is destined for me and you.

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I need to talk to you.
x_repossessed_x
I am going to write as much as I can as I have a lot to say but not enough energy to do so. 

Today has been a fair bit of bullshit. It started with my boss telling me I'm taking on a 6 month project even though I am doing evening college to obtain IT qualifications to get out of finance. It's a 3 month course and with my background experience, I plan to be gone in 6 months! They're trying to keep me but they know far too well I do not appreciate being treated like crap. For example, lunch today, everyone leaves at 1 to go to the pub for an hour and a half leaving me and one other person on our own. It's bizarre when I said around 10am that I fancy a pub lunch and a pint today too... so anyway, that's 8 people out of 10 fucking off to the pub. We didn't even get an invite to go. It gets worse, I traced the email that was sent round inviting people with my name in there saying "Alex can hold the fort". No. I will hold it if you fucking ask me. You tell me, don't assume and plan shit then dumping it all on me like it's no biggy. 

Anyway, I tried to type more but I really have no energy. I've been crying at the most simple things lately too. I'm going to crawl into bed. I will type more over the weekend as I have loads to say but no one to talk to. I feel incredibly alone.

(no subject)
x_repossessed_x

I'm actually tired of being on my own. Slowly coming to a conclusion I'm doing everything alone.

I'm tired of this hurt.

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Reading Festival
x_repossessed_x

Tomorrow I am going alone to one of the biggest festivals in the UK. Reading.

Scared but excited! Hope I sleep well.

Fingers crossed I don't have a 'OMG that was horrible' post when I get back x

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(no subject)
x_repossessed_x

You know, this seems bizarre but you know when we give up but go to sleep and fight another day; I can't wait for that another day.

I believe in hope and faith then let people in way too easily. Then I get hurt because they leave to easily.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to lose my job soon as I'm unhappy. They make me feel shit because I'm sad, they're obviously better than me. Oh I don't know. It's pathetic.

I really want a hug and someone here. Anyone.

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(no subject)
x_repossessed_x

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(no subject)
x_repossessed_x

Going to Reading Festival alone due to let downs but tbh, I don't care, I'm tired if being hurt

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Oh Hai
x_repossessed_x

I'm back. Guess what? I'm lonely. Depressed...

Im going to college again to get a qualification in IT. I'm excited and scared as I'll be doing it alone but excited it might bring a new job and maybe a new career.

Work is getting me down as usual but doing my best to block it out.

Friends are non existent. Tried online dating but that didn't work as I'm not 'hot' or 'travelled' enough. Whatever.

Love life also non existent. Probably will be for a while too...

Anyway, life is incredibly lonely right now. Thoughts of suicide enter my mind again but I know I couldn't do it. Part of me hopes I die in a quick way but again, the chances of that are slim.

It's a cruel world isn't it.

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.
x_repossessed_x
Hi Journal...we meet again...

Oh how I have fallen down that slippery path again. As I type this I just saw the movie 50/50 and I'd recommend it to those who asked me how I weekend went. 

You know, this 4 day long weekend has felt incredibly painful. I have had a lot of time off this past month with a depressing holiday cut short by me coming home early due to selfish sister-in-laws and stepmothers. It's funny. My older brother actually invites me to do things with him but the others don't. I admire that. That's something to hold onto...

Work. Work keeps me insane and busy but I kinda get sad when I have to go home because I don't like going home. An IT support job has come up which I really really want to do. I don't know if I have an interview yet but damn if I did I would sincerely be extremely happy. I guess this is why I am pouring my eyes out right now...scared of another disappointment. It's like being in a relationship; I'm always scared of being cheated on or left behind because that is all I know. Fairytales don't happen to people like me.

I can't see myself living passed 30 either...if I feel like this in 6 years time...has the past 30 years really been worth living? What makes me think that the next 30 will be different? I've never had meds, well, not since being an adult anyway...longed for help but never got it.

Ugh I want to type so much but my head is a MESS. I say I want someone here to talk to about these troubles and nightmares but I push them away. I ask for this but can't see it's right in front of me. However, those I do have I only talk via text and never met. A real shoulder to cry on or just someone to sit somewhere and talk about crap then laugh until the sun goes down. That'd be perfect. 

Maybe I should get some help.

Princess.
x_repossessed_x

I used to call Beth my princess because, well, she was. She was my everything :) 10 months later I still miss her wicked ways.

I know, well, hope she is happy with someone else. I crave someone can make me happy like she made me. I miss her so much.

When people talk about love I think about her. She was fun, evil, sexy, wicked, naughty, beautiful, everything I wanted but I couldn't give her what she wanted. I still think she was my soulmate.

Times like these i wish I could have her back but she wouldn't be happy I guess so it's not fair.

Beth, where ever you are, I miss you, I love you, I hope you're happy, I think about you a lot, you deserve every single piece of happiness on offer :) xXx

xXx is how she used to sign off her texts :)

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